Friday 11 November 2005

Due to unforeseen circumstances, it has not been possible to bring you the latest Gigglebits update. We apologise for this and hope to be back on Friday, November 25.

Friday 28 October 2005

Welcome back to Gigglebits. This instalment features a little fairy tale which, although not exactly qualifying as black humour, could be considered to be a bit on the grey side. So it might not be suitable for anyone of a nervous disposition. But first, a short commercial.

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Now for the fairy tale........


Pipe Dream

Once upon a time there was a golden age where good could be relied upon to triumph over evil and the just lived happily ever after. And it would doubtless have remained that way had Dick Whittington not dreamed up his hairbrained scheme for a clean-up compaign.

True, there had always been a lot of undesirable characters roaming around, and some of them could be a right pain in the backside on occasions. But inevitably they got their come-uppance in the end. So why risk upsetting the balance?
It was a dark day indeed when the Pied Piper was recruited to implement Dick's ill-conceived plan.

On the face of it, the Pied Piper was a sensible enough appointment, with a track record second to none when it came to vermin control. However, instead of confining himself to sorting out the real hard cases, he embarked on a ruthless policy of persecution against all ethnic minorities, irrespective of whether they posed any actual threat. Ogres, witches, goblins, elves—you name it— they all disappeared without trace as they were forced to face the Pied Piper's diabolical music.

The consequences of this so-called purification programme were as unexpected as they were disastrous. Almost overnight, those who had previously been considered to be paragons of virtue began to display an altogether different side to their nature. For example, without the steadying influence of the seven dwarfs ( who had been carted off to a concentration camp on the outskirts of Hamelin ) Snow White soon succumbed to a lifestyle of binge drinking, petty crime and prostitution.

As the rot set in, there was widespread looting and rioting, and the very fabric of society began to crumble, leaving Dick at his wits' end.

To escape the backlash, the Pied Piper skipped off to South America on a forged passport and enjoyed a long and happy retirement.

Dick, however, was not so fortunate, being mowed down by a motorcyclist in an ugly hit-and-run incident. The culprit, high on drugs, was a young pig— ironically a member of one of the groups which the new order was designed to protect.

*****

The next Gigglebits will be due on 11 November.

Friday 14 October 2005


Gigglebits is here again to offer you another brief break from the energy-sapping, crisis riddled, saga of the daily grind.

But first, a very important notice. If you haven't already done so, click on the link (top right) Gordon's Lottery Opportunity. It tells you how, by following a few simple steps, you could play the lottery 88 times a week for free and get paid a large extra income for life into the bargain.

Having got the serious stuff out of the way, here's the light-hearted bit.....


End of the Line


Noah had finally managed to get all the animals to line up in alphabetical order, ready to embark.

The construction work was a mammoth task in itself. And it all had to be done from scratch, remember, because at the time of the flood it wasn't possible to nip down to the nearest MFI store and purchase an ark in flat-pack form. But that part had been a piece of cake compared to the trials and tribulations involved in coaxing every single species into position without mishap, especially since so many of them had been at each other's throats for donkey's years.

Now everything was shipshape and boarding could commence. This proceeded at a brisk pace and the operation went smoothly. Until, that is, the snails reached the front of the queue. Displaying a complete lack of urgency, they insisted on continuing at their usual leisurely speed. Nor was the situation helped by the fact that, not far behind, the tortoises were also dragging their feet.

As the first few drops of rain fell, the animals at the tail end of the queue began to show signs of impatience. The unicorns, in particular, were guilty of excessive use of their horns.

It wasn't long before the snarl-up of traffic became worse than on the M6 around Birmingham at rush hour and everything ground to a halt. So when the rain started lashing down, panic set in and tempers became frayed, culminating in the most catastrophic episode of road rage imaginable.

Miraculously, the snails and the tortoises escaped unscathed, but the poor old unicorns never made it into the ark, being crushed to a pulp by the wildebeests.

Neither were the unicorns the only casualties. Far from it. So if you've ever wondered why there are so few creatures around today with names beginning in X, Y or Z, now you know.

*****


The next Gigglebits posting will be due on 28 October.

Friday 30 September 2005

As threatened, Gigglebits has returned bang on time with another little morsel of mirth. So without further ado, off we go....

Family Outing

Denzil had always prided himself on being a connoisseur of fine cuisine. So he had been absolutely chuffed when he landed the plum post of food quality control inspector for the local dung beetle community. It was a rewarding job which permitted him to have first nibble at the region's gastronomic delicacies before they were contaminated by all those pesky flies.

But today, instead of shooting off to work, Denzil was taking the whole family out for a picnic at an exquisite little watering hole renowned for its nutritious homemade organic fare.

Poking his head out of their burrow, Denzil sniffed the air. As soon as he got wind of an imminent delivery of their favourite brand of elephant excrement, they beetled off, full of enthusiasm.

When they arrived, the place was humming. The food had just been served, freshly squeezed and steaming hot, and they tucked in before you could say "bon appetit". A splendid feast was thoroughly enjoyed by all, and was washed down with a spot of Tusko's very own vintage elephant pee.

After the meal, there was a toast to absent friends and relatives. Inevitably, great uncle Desmond's name cropped up. He had always thought the African Savanna wasn't good enough for him and had emigrated to Australia in search of adventure and richer pickings. The last Denzil had heard of him, Desmond had bitten off rather more than he could chew and was really browned off with his lot.

Besides being a stickler for hygiene, Denzil was also a fitness freak. So he insisted that everyone joined in the ritual of gathering up the leftovers of food into a gigantic ball and rolling it all the way back home. Not only did this burn off the excess calories, but it also enabled Denzil to spread the remnants over the floor of their burrow, making a nice comfy deep pile carpet.

And now, as the sun begins to set at the end of another satisfying day in Denzil's tiny corner of the globe, we must leave him and his family to reflect on the bountiful blessings associated with residing in what is widely regarded as a turd world country.

****

Now click on the link Gordon's Lottery Opportunity. Even if you don't play the lottery, (and I didn't before I found out about this) it could have you laughing all the way to the bank!

The next update for Gigglebits is due on 14 October and we hope to have you with us again then.

Friday 16 September 2005

Welcome to Gigglebits, the brand new site designed to give you a little light relief from all the stresses and strains of modern life.

Gigglebits aims to tickle your fancy by serving up a diet of bite sized chunks of humorous writing. So if you've had a bad day at the office, Gigglebits will be just the job, putting a smile back on your face and maybe even provoking the odd belly laugh into the bargain.

Be warned! The Gigglebits menu can sometimes be a trifle saucy and might not be to everyone's taste. But it will cost you nothing but a few clicks of the mouse to check it out.

So off we go then with our first helping of humour.....


A Matter of Principle

It was bath night.

Archimedes was unwinding in his tub after a hectic week grappling with the usual glut of perplexing mathematical problems.The one that was uppermost in his mind was a baffling little teaser indeed.

Archimedes had long suspected that the king of Syracuse had been well and truly diddled by his artful goldsmith injecting Polyfilla into his gold crown.He didn't want to be accused of poking his nose into the king's affairs, but if he could come up with the proof it would be a real feather in his cap.

The delicious pong of lavender oil, stirred into the bathwater to enhance its relaxing qualities, wafted around Archimedes' nostrils. Dreamily, Archimedes reached out for the newspaper rack and picked up the Daily Olympus. Flicking to page three, he was treated to a magnificent full-frontal shot of one of his all-time favourites, Cassandra from Corinth.

Arcnimedes had been studying her prominent features for scarcely a few seconds when a rather curious phenomenon came to his attention.The water level in the bath tub had risen somewhat. Not a huge rise, mind— in fact, barely perceptible even to Archimedes' trained eye— but a rise nonetheless.

Archimedes turned to the chariot racing page and the water level receded. He had another peep at page three and up it went again. "What, in the name of Zeus, is the meaning of this?" he mused.

For some reason, the words "fluid displacement" floated up from the depths of his subconscious and his brain clicked into overdrive. In a flash the penny dropped and it dawned on him that, incredible though it might seem,the strange goings-on in his bath tub held the key to the gold crown riddle.

Unable to contain himself, Archimedes leapt from the tub and bounded to the front door, completely oblivious to the giant placard in the hallway which warned, "Don't forget your bathrobe." He had it nailed there after a previous embarrassing incident when he was nicked for indecent exposure, resulting in an on-the-spot fine of 200 drachmas and a permanent entry in the sex offenders register.

"Eureka! Eureka!" shouted Archimedes as he danced merrily down the street.

This was the big one— the one that would make him famous.

* * * * *

Barring computer crashes and other unforeseen calamities, it's intended to update Gigglebits every two weeks, the first update being due on 30 September. So stick that date in your diary now!

Any comments (complimentary or otherwise!) would be greatly appreciated.